Thursday, August 19, 2010

Stress and Anxiety

That's me in a nutshell. Stress and anxiety. I've had it pretty much since I can remember. Never thought anything of it when I was in my late teens or early twenties. Until...Hunter was born. It all started brewing. I always thought it would be something I could, myself, control...wrong.
Having a child can be stressful in itself. No doubt. I've never really told the story of how Hunter was actually diagnosed. All of it.
When Hunter was born, at that time there was no CF testing with the newborn screening, all was great. He passed the meconium ileus that he needed to, we went home. A couple days later, we noticed his skin turning a yellow color. Jaundice. He had to be put on a machine that would help control it. That got better in time. Hunter was downing 8 oz. of formula 6 or more times a day at a "newborn" stage. Never thought anything of it. Just thought he was a little porker, despite the weight gain that he was not doing. I would literally prop the bottle up in his mouth with a pillow and he would just gulp it down. Until the day came when I sat him up and EVERYTHING came flying back out. Ok. Thought maybe he just got too much at one time, or he just wasn't feeling good. Um...yeah.
Until it happened again, he was gagging. First time mom, not knowing what was going on, hubby at work, and extremely worried. Took him straight to the pediatricians office and they told us to go up to Rockford Memorial Hospital. Through the ER he went straight to the operating room. Come to find out he had a bowel obstruction, part of his intestines removed, and diagnosed with CF at that time, while staying 2 weeks up there. Stress/Anxiety was very apparent.
Ok, so got Hunter under control and then Ren. 5 times in the hospital her first year. RSV when she was 3 weeks old in the hospital on top of bleeding from the mouth. Brandon and I later figured out (NOT THE DR'S) that it was due to not enough applesauce with enzymes. Go figure, who knew?? Hunter was staying with my parents and I told them to go get him tested for RSV as well. He came up positive. So, a child in the hosp with RSV and bleeding and a son 2 hours away with my parents with RSV. Frustrating. Everything in the end came out fine, as it always does with the faith in God.
Fast forward 3 years later. A lot, granted, has happened in those 3 years and I will blog another time about the things that did happen.
I was diagnosed with having anxiety and put on meds for it for anxiety disorder just last year. Is it possible for someone who has a child with a "condition"/CF ( I don't EVER put disease because it WILL be cured) not to have stress or anxiety. I went off of my meds this week and could tell a whole world of difference. Just needed a refill, that's all, and I would rather spend that copay on the kids than myself, BUT it's something I know now I need. Today proved it. I need to take care of myself.
I HATE having to rely on meds. Thinking I can control myself. I have so much going on now, that I know a little bit of help doesn't hurt, especially if I'm taking meds for anxiety disorder.
I guess I would appreciate in knowing if I am the only one. Am I the only one that stresses about their children and the CF? I think not, but how do others deal with it?
Am I the only one that has literally a million things going on in one day and try finding the time to get it all done?? I think not.
Am I the only one who home schools their children and takes on that responsibility myself?? I think not.
Why do I feel so overwhelmed.
I wouldn't have taken on all I have if I didn't know I could.
I chose this life, I want this life, I wouldn't give this life I have up for the world itself.
Just feeling like I need to take on the world and not sure if I can.
As long as I can take care of my kids and husband that's all that matters.
Meds, treatments, homeschooling, hockey, the house, meals, naps for Ren. I know I say it a lot but you know what? I am so proud of myself for taking these on. Because I KNOW I can do it
and it benefits my family most of all.
Thanks for listening.
Much Love.

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